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Posted on Feb 15, 2018 in Articles, Eventing, Riders blog, Wayne Garrick

Wayne Garrick gives us a winter Blog and an insight to his life!

Wayne Garrick gives us a winter Blog and an insight to his life!

Dear all,

I’m sure I’m not alone with my disdain for this weather. I’m not designed to wear so many layers.
Only the other day I thought I was so cold that my nipple had frozen only to discover it was in fact the toggle of my hoody!!!!

I look like the mitchelin man on a catwalk! Mincing is made more difficult when you have three layers of pantage! As is…peeing. The desperate grappling of gloved hands on zips and toggles, trying to unleash the beast before it unleashes it’s urine stacked load!! Although momentarily warming, no one wants to smell like sugar puffs!

Aside from the issue of layers, there is a far greater problem! Consistency of our horses work. Intermittent to say the least. Snow, ice, rain, sun, arctic winds..and this was all just on Wednesday.
To try and counteract the weather and the work or lack there of, you have to play the ‘how many scoops of feed’ guessing game. Do I want to die or do I want to live?
Fat as lords and fit as a bunch of teenagers at a rave, buzzing off their Tits on coarse mix and sugar beet, on a high of Alfa a

The arena unfreezes and like a herd of Japanese tourists, you rally the troops and meet at the arena for a game of stirrup roulette, who will get their foot in the stirrup and get to sit on their horse without eating sand? 3-2-1 GO!
Once aboard your usually trustworthy steed you become gargantuanly aware that the fart your holding in, could in fact be the very thing that kills you, one twitch of the bum cheek and it could all be over, but it’s ok, because we won’t be able to ride for another week as storm Janice is on her way and she’s not happy

I have painted, I have cleaned every bit of Tack that ever graced my tack room, the Horses manes have been pulled so many times they all look like Homer Simpson.
I’ve clipped them, I’ve trimmed their chins, they all look like they have alopecia

Whilst all this has been going on I’ve also taken to comfort eating, for my own warmth. I can’t go near a set of scales at the moment as I think we’d fall out!

I can’t think about the event season whilst I’m sliding around on ice, slipping over in mud or having underwear moist from another downpour. I have however entered Viv, Hera and Biscuit into a Bd comp at the end of feb. It’s indoors and hopefully won’t cancel because of an elf farts worth of snow ❄️ ⛄️

I had a very enjoyable outing with Viv for a
Lesson today with Roger Gregory and I’m all inspired again. Possibly only for cake, but still inspired.

Much love and red velvet

eventer in drag

Rocking it in Swansea for a drag night. #lifeisneverdull

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